Opening / Closing

The great prophet Jay-Z once said "Grand opening? Grand closing" - a fortune foretold from the Black Album that's now the unofficial motto of the 2026 Winter Olympics, whose opening ceremony felt more like the closing.  

"Meh," said YouTube TV's commercial - an ad run ad nauseum - between snippets of a mediocre melee with melancholy music, lackluster art, and a run time of infinity. No one knows how long the Opening Ceremony was because we all died trying to finish it. It was so boring, in fact, I had to blog about it. 

Look ma. No beats.

Even when Italian rapper Ghali came out (on stage, not the closet - which would have been more interesting), the beat never dropped, building to nothing, a patient awaiting triple bypass but receiving only a commercial break.

Meh.  

"What did I just watch?" (asked not in a provocative way like Paris that summer / asked in a desperate existential kind of way like - now that I've watched this, should I go on living?)

Puttanesca, please.

It wasn't actually the Olympics you were watching. It was an extended cut of a marketing ploy for Peacock Premium. You were a crash test dummy for six extra bucks - money better spent on the Housewives franchise.

What... are those?

Giant paint tubes floating in the sky. Spilling silks screaming to be climbed. But no aerialists ever emerge. I think they're stuck in a commercial break. Better cough up six bucks.

Olympic rings.

Let me guess. They're going to start apart and come together. Thank you bitch, next.

Where even are we?

Some kind of brutalist industrial complex serving East Germany butch, hundreds of miles from the slopes. A fashion capitol with no fashion. Are they wearing - satin? (clutches pearls). Can I get a runway, please.

End this.

If you haven't seen it: don't bother. You'd be better off watching the Superbowl (spoiler alert - equally boring - with strange American propaganda force fed through a color guard, flyovers, military cutaways and voiceovers, and infinitely ironic against Bad Bunny's inspired halftime show, claiming America is more than just the EEUU. If you don't know what the EEUU is, you're a gringo). 

Disconnect.

Now that it's over, there's more commercials for the Olympics, featuring fast-paced cuts and techno-pop promising us it's fun again.

Game over.

We are a society unwilling to face its past, unsure of its present, and clueless about its future. Why are we still stuck at customs when the real aliens are in the sky and robots are inheriting the earth?

Look over there! 

It's a collage of modern crap. Let's do it again. God forbid we get any inspiration. Celine Dion on the Eiffel. Anyone?

Crickets. Curtain. Cut to commercial.

The 2026 Milano Cortina Winter Olympics are now streaming on Peacock.